Today (here in Oz anyway) is December 1, which just happens to the fabulously lovely and talented Bette Midler's birthday! It's no secret that I'm a huge fan of The Divine Miss M, and I hope she is well today and all set to enjoy her birthday tomorrow (in US time).
I love Bette's acting, but I am more a fan of her music especially, and her rather naughty jokes she tells in her shows - I've never had the pleasure of actually seeing Bette live (I was ill when she last came to Oz and couldn't make the show which is one of my deepest regrets), but I have seen her concert DVD's and I have all her live concert CD's.
I thought I would share one of Bette's infamous Soph Jokes with you in honour of Bette - be warned, these are not for the faint-hearted...and I tried to choose the cleanest one - the rest are not PG enough for these forums...
****I will never forget it you know. For the longest time I didn't wear no underwear. It used to drive my boyfriend Ernie absolutely batty that I didn't wear no underwear.
One day I caught a terrible cold, Ernie said to me, "Soph, you've got to go see the doctor." I said, "All right, make an appointment for me." So he rang up the doctor, but unbeknowned to me this is what he told the doctor: "Doc, I'm sending Soph over. She's got a terrible cold, but that ain't the problem. The problem is she don't wear no underwear. That's the reason she got this cold is on account she don't wear no underwear--got that?" "Right oh," said the doctor.
So I, like a schmuck, trot on down to the doctor's office.
Doctor says "Soph, open up your mouth and say ahh'". I opened my mouth I said 'ahh'. He looked down my throat and said, "Soph, you ain't wearing no underwear." I said, "I beg your pardon, doctor." He said to me, "Soph you ain't wearing no underwear." I said, "Doc, you can look down my throat and see I ain't wearing no underwear?" He said, "That's right Soph."
I said to him, "Doc, do me a favor, look up my ass and tell me if my hat's on straight!"****
I hope this joke didn't offend people, because you just can't take offense with Bette - she's so tongue-in-cheek and so endearing even when she's being quite naughty!
Here are a few of Bette songs I can't resist listening to lately from her Live At Last album.
Bang You're Dead
"Above the ground, I'm lifted to the sky And down like a tumbling weed I found myself stranded high and dry A circus ride, oh, it only costs a dime But if you wanna see the fireworks you might have to pay a lifetime
Cause love is a carnival With lots of laughs, wonderful rides and danger But it feels so good With rockets shootin' in your head Round and round and round you go Bang, you're dead, baby Bang, you're dead, baby
Like a boomerang keeps twisting, twisting in your heart You know the funny part of it is, you always end up where you start You're headed for big clouds Got the silver lining But you're in for a big surprise There's a river of tears behind
Cause love is a carnival With lots of baubles, bangles and beads Beware, beware, beware It feels so good, feels so good With rockets shootin' in your head Round and round and round you go Bang, you're dead, baby Bang, you're dead, baby
Above the ground I'm lifted Spininng, spinning, spinning out of control Higher, higher, higher, higher, higher Above the ground I'm lifted, yeah, to the sky And down like a tumbling weed I found myself stranded high and dry A circus ride, you know it, it only costs a dime But if you wanna see the fireworks you might have to pay a lifetime Hey, yeah, yeah, to the sky, high And down like a tumbling weed I found myself stranded, stranded Bang, you're dead!"
You're Moving Out Today
"I stayed out late one night and you moved in I didn't mind 'cause of the state you were in May I remind you that it's been a year since then
Today the landlady, she said to me "Your loony friend just made a pass at me." Perhaps you might enjoy a cottage by the sea
So pack your toys away Your pretty boys away Your forty-fives away Your alibis away Your silly lies away Your old tie-dyes away Your one more tries away You're moving out today
Your nasty habits ain't confined to bed The grocer told me what you do with bread Why don't you take up with the baker's wife instead of me
Pack up your rubber duck I'd like to wish you luck Your funny cigarettes Your sixty-one cassettes Pack all your clothes away Your rubber hose away Your old day glows away You're movin' out today
Pack up your dirty looks Your songs that have no hooks Your stacks of Modern Screen Your portrait of the Queen Your mangy cat away Your baby fat away You're headed that a-way You're moving out today
La la la la la la la la la La la la la la la la la . . .
[SPOKEN]: The reason I'm singing 'la la' is because I'm so happy you're going. Gosh, you've made me miserable. I don't think I've ever been so unhappy as I've been this last year with you. You are really a dirty, dirty guy. Did anybody ever tell you that? Oh, uh, by the way, would you, uh, take off that coat you're wearing? That's my coat you're wearing. Ah, yes. Thank you, oh. Goodbye! Parting is such sweet sorrow . . ."
Up The Ladder To The Roof
"Come with me, come with me And we shall run across the sky We illuminate the night Ohhhh, I will try and guide you To better times and brighter days Just don't be afraid
Come on up the ladder to the roof Where we can see Heaven much better Let's go up the ladder to the roof Where we can be closer to Heaven
Stay with me, stay with me And we shall let expression sing Hear freedom ringin' Ohhh, memories of yesterday's broken dreams Hey, don't you know, don't you know That they are gonna fade away Don't be afraid
Come on up the ladder to the roof Where we can see Heaven much better Let's go up the ladder to the roof Where we can be closer to Heaven
We'll laugh, I'll tell you the story of love How it is, the happiness in it, baby We combine these thoughts and together we will travel To the fountain of lovingness I will never, never, never, never, never leave you, baby As we grow older and older and older, babe
Standing strong we'll say Say, don't you wanna go up the ladder to the roof Where we can see Heaven much better Let's go up the ladder to the roof Where we can be closer to Heaven".
Anyway, I wish Bette all the best for her special day, and hope she has a wonderful birthday complete with lots of love from family, friends, and fans, and cake and presents of course.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass.. It's about learning to dance in the rain."
and couldn't make the show which is one of my deepest regrets), but I have seen her concert DVD's and I have all her live concert CD's. 
